Comments on: Angelic or Needing Improvement: A Look at an HP White Paper http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/08/07/angelic-or-needing-improvement-a-look-at-an-hp-white-paper/ Everything about writing and marketing white papers Wed, 08 Feb 2012 22:31:21 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.3.1 By: Michael Stelzner http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/08/07/angelic-or-needing-improvement-a-look-at-an-hp-white-paper/#comment-43 Michael Stelzner Mon, 14 Aug 2006 23:01:05 +0000 http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/08/07/angelic-or-needing-improvement-a-look-at-an-hp-white-paper/#comment-43 Michael - Sounds like we think alike. I am not a big fan of this white paper. Back in the day, when I used to work at Sears... There was this old guy in the carpet department. I would ask him, "How you doing?" He would always answer, "The biggest room in my house is the room for improvement." I like your attitude! Mike Michael - Sounds like we think alike. I am not a big fan of this white paper.

Back in the day, when I used to work at Sears… There was this old guy in the carpet department. I would ask him, “How you doing?” He would always answer, “The biggest room in my house is the room for improvement.” I like your attitude!

Mike

]]> By: Michael Knowles http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/08/07/angelic-or-needing-improvement-a-look-at-an-hp-white-paper/#comment-41 Michael Knowles Mon, 14 Aug 2006 22:42:59 +0000 http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/08/07/angelic-or-needing-improvement-a-look-at-an-hp-white-paper/#comment-41 Hi, Mike, This piece reads more like a cross between an academic research paper and a user manual than a piece designed to sell a solution to someone with a problem. I like the tone of the opening paragraph a lot, actually. I can relate to the story... then comes the rest of the paper and I'm scratching my head. Ho-hum. I would not have written this as a white paper per se. I'd rather do a scenario piece, leveraging the opening to create a vignette... a day in the life of a person whose life is better and who is more productive because of social collaboration. If the goal were to do a more technical treatment, I think I'd want to present the material in a more general way. The paper as it is now smacks of chest-beating. But perhaps that's just me. Seems to me the time and effort (and money) spent on creating the paper could have been better leveraged in a more interactive context. I'll have to give that book of yours a look, by the way. The day I stop learning something new is the day I hang up my fountain pen! Michael Hi, Mike,

This piece reads more like a cross between an academic research paper and a user manual than a piece designed to sell a solution to someone with a problem.

I like the tone of the opening paragraph a lot, actually. I can relate to the story… then comes the rest of the paper and I’m scratching my head. Ho-hum.

I would not have written this as a white paper per se. I’d rather do a scenario piece, leveraging the opening to create a vignette… a day in the life of a person whose life is better and who is more productive because of social collaboration.

If the goal were to do a more technical treatment, I think I’d want to present the material in a more general way. The paper as it is now smacks of chest-beating. But perhaps that’s just me.

Seems to me the time and effort (and money) spent on creating the paper could have been better leveraged in a more interactive context.

I’ll have to give that book of yours a look, by the way. The day I stop learning something new is the day I hang up my fountain pen!

Michael

]]> By: Dianna Huff http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/08/07/angelic-or-needing-improvement-a-look-at-an-hp-white-paper/#comment-31 Dianna Huff Wed, 09 Aug 2006 13:45:20 +0000 http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/08/07/angelic-or-needing-improvement-a-look-at-an-hp-white-paper/#comment-31 Mike, Your White Paper book is next on my to-read list. I'm looking forward to it. Mike,

Your White Paper book is next on my to-read list. I’m looking forward to it.

]]> By: Michael Stelzner http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/08/07/angelic-or-needing-improvement-a-look-at-an-hp-white-paper/#comment-30 Michael Stelzner Wed, 09 Aug 2006 13:22:10 +0000 http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/08/07/angelic-or-needing-improvement-a-look-at-an-hp-white-paper/#comment-30 Hi Dianna; Thanks for your comments. I am in full agreement with you. Unfortunately, this paper's bland title is like an ugly door most people would never want to enter through and thus would never read that opening paragraph. Saw the MarketingSherpa article. Actually wrote about these results here: http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/07/20/white-paper-lead-effectiveness-new-study-results/ All my best — love your blog! Mike Hi Dianna;

Thanks for your comments. I am in full agreement with you. Unfortunately, this paper’s bland title is like an ugly door most people would never want to enter through and thus would never read that opening paragraph.

Saw the MarketingSherpa article. Actually wrote about these results here: http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/07/20/white-paper-lead-effectiveness-new-study-results/

All my best — love your blog!

Mike

]]> By: Dianna Huff http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/08/07/angelic-or-needing-improvement-a-look-at-an-hp-white-paper/#comment-29 Dianna Huff Wed, 09 Aug 2006 11:55:22 +0000 http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/08/07/angelic-or-needing-improvement-a-look-at-an-hp-white-paper/#comment-29 Like you, I am overwhelmed with blocks of text. If you hadn't pointed it out, I wouldn't have read the opening paragraph -- once I did, I was then pulled into the topic. Hence, I would improve this white paper by giving it a sub-title and a pithy summary of what the paper is about on its cover. I would also re-write the sub-heads to draw me into the content. PS -- Did you see MarketingSherpa's latest article on how white papers are the best marketing tactic when marketing to the Fortune 1000 but not when it comes to SMBs? Like you, I am overwhelmed with blocks of text.

If you hadn’t pointed it out, I wouldn’t have read the opening paragraph — once I did, I was then pulled into the topic.

Hence, I would improve this white paper by giving it a sub-title and a pithy summary of what the paper is about on its cover.

I would also re-write the sub-heads to draw me into the content.

PS — Did you see MarketingSherpa’s latest article on how white papers are the best marketing tactic when marketing to the Fortune 1000 but not when it comes to SMBs?

]]>