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Angelic or Needing Improvement: A Look at an HP White Paper

By Michael Stelzner

HP has published a white paper on its video collaboration solution, code named Halo. Meant to be a time machine for video collaboration, Halo is actually really cool technology.

What happens when a great technology is promoted in a not so great white paper? You be the judge.

In its white paper, titled Halo Collaboration White Paper, HP puts forth the business case for Halo. (Full disclosure: HP is a client, but this is not my work).

One of the first problems that grabs me is the ultra boring title. However, what really disappointed were the huge blocks of text you see when you open up the white paper. Unfortunately it makes it a burden to read. Like you, I am a skim reader. I look at subheadlines, pictures, callouts and captions.

The opening paragraph paints a good picture with words. But the story ends abruptly with the introduction of social collaboration. Feels a bit disconnected to me.

Take a look at this paper and let’s talk about ways it could be improved.
I want to shout out to Eric Rosen for first writing about this.

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This entry was posted on Monday, August 7th, 2006 at 5:14 pm and is filed under Writing White Papers. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

  • Michael - Sounds like we think alike. I am not a big fan of this white paper.

    Back in the day, when I used to work at Sears... There was this old guy in the carpet department. I would ask him, "How you doing?" He would always answer, "The biggest room in my house is the room for improvement." I like your attitude!

    Mike
  • Hi, Mike,

    This piece reads more like a cross between an academic research paper and a user manual than a piece designed to sell a solution to someone with a problem.

    I like the tone of the opening paragraph a lot, actually. I can relate to the story... then comes the rest of the paper and I'm scratching my head. Ho-hum.

    I would not have written this as a white paper per se. I'd rather do a scenario piece, leveraging the opening to create a vignette... a day in the life of a person whose life is better and who is more productive because of social collaboration.

    If the goal were to do a more technical treatment, I think I'd want to present the material in a more general way. The paper as it is now smacks of chest-beating. But perhaps that's just me.

    Seems to me the time and effort (and money) spent on creating the paper could have been better leveraged in a more interactive context.

    I'll have to give that book of yours a look, by the way. The day I stop learning something new is the day I hang up my fountain pen!

    Michael
  • Mike,

    Your White Paper book is next on my to-read list. I'm looking forward to it.
  • Hi Dianna;

    Thanks for your comments. I am in full agreement with you. Unfortunately, this paper's bland title is like an ugly door most people would never want to enter through and thus would never read that opening paragraph.

    Saw the MarketingSherpa article. Actually wrote about these results here: http://www.writingwhitepapers.com/blog/2006/07/20/white-paper-lead-effectiveness-new-study-results/

    All my best — love your blog!

    Mike
  • Like you, I am overwhelmed with blocks of text.

    If you hadn't pointed it out, I wouldn't have read the opening paragraph -- once I did, I was then pulled into the topic.

    Hence, I would improve this white paper by giving it a sub-title and a pithy summary of what the paper is about on its cover.

    I would also re-write the sub-heads to draw me into the content.

    PS -- Did you see MarketingSherpa's latest article on how white papers are the best marketing tactic when marketing to the Fortune 1000 but not when it comes to SMBs?
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